The Only Authority That Matters
Jacob Smith
Supreme Badass & Sole Certification Officer
The One and Only
In a world full of self-proclaimed tough guys and wannabe legends, there is exactly ONE person with the authority, the gravitas, and the sheer overwhelming presence to decide who is truly badass and who is just pretending.
That person is Jacob Smith. He doesn't just hand out certifications. He IS the certification. Every badass card, every official stamp, every fire-forged certificate of absolute badassery flows through him and him alone.
Absolute Authority
With a single nod, Jacob can elevate any mortal to the ranks of Certified Badass. This power is wielded with extreme discretion.
Did something un-badass? Jacob can strip your certification faster than you can say "sorry." No appeals. No refunds. No mercy.
Jacob possesses an innate sixth sense for detecting true badassery. Fakers are identified immediately and permanently blacklisted.
All matters of badassery are settled by official decree. Jacob's word is final, binding, and etched in metaphorical stone.
For acts of extraordinary badassery, Jacob may bestow the rare Lifetime Achievement in Badassery award. Only 3 have ever been given.
Any and all suggestions, opinions, or pleas regarding certification status are subject to Jacob's absolute, unchallengeable veto.
Official Notice
The following individuals have been officially classified as Non-Badass Deciders. They hold zero authority in matters of badass certification. Their opinions on badassery are irrelevant, void, and mildly amusing.
Has been formally evaluated and found to possess zero (0) units of badass decision-making authority. Any certification attempts by Alex are automatically null and void.
Multiple independent assessments confirm Dylan's complete inability to determine badassery. All of Dylan's certification opinions have been preemptively overruled for eternity.
The Path
Fill out the official 47-page application form. Include three references who can vouch for your badassery, a 500-word essay on why you deserve certification, and a photo of you doing something undeniably badass.
Jacob will review your application when he feels like it. This could take days, weeks, or months. Patience is itself a form of badassery. Asking "when will I hear back?" automatically disqualifies you.
If Jacob deems your application worthy, you'll receive a mysterious summons. The interview format is classified. Previous applicants describe it as "intense" and "life-changing."
There is no committee. There is no vote. There is only Jacob. He will look into your soul and render his verdict. His decision is absolute, irreversible, and not subject to any form of appeal whatsoever.
Testimonials
Getting my Badass Certification from Jacob Smith was the single greatest achievement of my life. My parents cried. My dog respected me more. Everything changed.
I trained for 6 years before I was ready to apply. Jacob denied me twice before finally granting certification. Those denials made me stronger. He knew what he was doing.
I once asked Alex if I was badass. He said yes. Then Jacob revoked Alex's ability to even have opinions. That's when I knew I needed to go straight to the source.
Your Moment
There's only one way to find out. And only one person who can tell you.
* Clicking this button does not guarantee a response, an interview, or any acknowledgment of your existence by Jacob Smith.